Close Friend's Betrayal

For many of us, our close friends are like a second family.  For some of us, who might have contentious relationships with our immediate family, we might rely even more on our close friendships for emotional sustenance and support.  We rely on and trust in our friendships, which makes it so painful when we find out that we've been betrayed by a close friend.

"It's painful when a close friend, who was once loyal, betrays you."

When we think about coping with a betrayal, we usually associate it with the betrayal of a spouse or family member, not a betrayal by a close friend.  It's not a topic that is often written about in psychological literature, even though such betrayals often cause a great deal of emotional pain.  We expect close friends to be there for us emotionally, to be there for the good times as well as during rough patches in our lives.  Close friends are people we confide in and who confide in us.  We feel understood by our close friends, sometimes even more so than our spouses and immediate family.  We might even idealize our close friendships.  And we might have blind spots with certain friends.

There are many different types of betrayals that can occur in friendships.  The one that most often comes to mind and is portrayed in books and movies (as well as in "real life") is when a friend gets involved with one's spouse or romantic partner.  But there are other betrayals that can also hurt and be very difficult to come to terms with emotionally because of the trust that we usually place in close friendships.

I wish I could tell every job-seeker and graduates

Today I was sitting at a coffee shop answering emails before going to home when I saw a man in a suit walk in and introduce himself to a girl who was probably around 22. She was super energetic and ready to take on the world, while he (a man of maybe 30?) was playing the role of a mentor. It was the first time they’d met and I couldn't resist eavesdropping on their entire conversation. Because that’s how I roll.

Anyways, he was giving her career advice as she’d just graduated and was starting her career in DC. He seemed to be mid-level management at some agency. It was just something about the way he carried himself…

His first advice was to only take jobs in the field she wanted to work in. Which I so vehemently disagreed with, that I had to clamp my hands on the table in order not to stand up and hijack the conversation.

That would be rude.

Then he went on to suggest jobs that she clearly had no interest in while she nodded her head and tried to veer the conversation back into helpful territory. This girl was trying to take every piece of knowledge she could find and apply it to her life, but he wasn't giving her much.

And if only that man would've left before me, I would’ve gone up and talked to her. Because she deserved better. Sure, he might end up being one of those “it’s not about what you know, but who you know” success stories, but he also dished out a whole bunch of crappy advice along the way. Not that I know best, but it seems neither do most mentors.

If I had a chance, what I would say is this:

1. Your resume is what you make it. Don’t worry about working in the exact field you want to work in or finding a job that’s completely relevant to what you want to do. When it comes to a first job, you can’t be picky. Take what sounds interesting and work, even if it’s McDonald’s. Work your hiney off like your life depends on it. Get a promotion. Accomplish something. Then, when you interview for your dream job, make your previous experience fit the description. No HR department needs to know that 90% of your previous experience was flipping fries and only 10% was related to training new employees (let’s say you’re applying to a teaching/training position). All they need to know is that you did trainings, loved the work and excelled at it. No need to dwell on fry flipping at all. Unless you’re applying to be a French Fry Flipping Coach… then you should talk about it.

2. Don’t wait for your perfect job. So you know you want to be a mathematician who designs programs that will eventually make actuaries obsolete in the healthcare field (which, apparently, is a thing.)? Great. But the thing is, you might have to wait 20 years for that specific job. 20 years of passing up really great opportunities because they aren’t “perfect” while eating leftovers and sleeping on your parents’ couch. Then one day you finally see the exact opening you’ve been looking for and – SURPRISE! – some guy beats you to the position because he was out accumulating actual experience while you were “waiting” for something that wasn’t beneath you.

Be that guy. Go out and get some sort of experience since you have time to kill anyways.

3. Which brings me to my last point, school doesn't get you a job. Experience gets you a job. If anyone thinks they’ll get a degree and magically win a position as a Director of IT, they are absolutely insane. I’ve turned down applicants at a Yogurt Store who had a master’s degree because they had absolutely no work experience at all. Sure, the degree will help in the long run but on a resume without any work it’s worthless. So volunteer, get a part time job, take internships. Do something to prove yourself. Because the degree will help legitimize you once you get into the right position, but it won’t get you a job. It probably won’t even get you an interview.

And that’s what I would say to the girl. If only I could track her down and shout my unsolicited advice in her general direction…..